A Fart Ripping, Shit Sticking, Bowel Moving Kick Ass Chili
Olive Oil (sans Popeye)
2-3 medium-sized onions
6 cloves of garlic
3 regular cans of beans (black, red kidney, pink, great northern,
whatever) or one bag of dried beans soaked overnight.
2 small cans or one large can of peeled whole tomatoes in their own
juice (organic if possible)
1 small can of tomato paste
Ground Black Pepper
Balsamic or other vinegar
3-4 jalapeno peppers
1 package/bunch of fresh thyme
1 medium can of corn (not sweetened - in its own juice)
1-2 medium red peppers
1 green/bell pepper
Vegetable broth - in liquid form - or use broth from vegetable
1 cup of dried white or brown rice
Tabasco or other hot sauce (let people add)
Cheddar Cheese (let people add)
Sour Cream (let people add)
1) Pre-heat chili/stock/crock pot over medium-high heat. If you are
using a stock pot over the stove, add 2-3 tablespoons of olive oil to
the pot. If you are using a crock pot, you don't need the oil and you
can't adjust the heat.
Slice or dice 2 medium-sized onions and add to pot with hot oil. Add 4
Cloves of sliced (rather than diced) fresh garlic to the pot. Let the
mixture soften by browning the odiforous mixture for 5 minutes. Inhale
and clear your sinuses, baby!
2) If using a pot on the stove, reduce heat to medium-low. Add two
small cans of whole peeled tomatoes in their own juice - or one large
can. I've also made the chili using fresh tomatoes, but now that
summer's gone, the tomatoes pretty much suck - and you don't have to
peel the canned ones. Organic ones also taste much better if you can
find them (Muir Glen is a good brand).
3) Start spicing it up. Add 2-3 tablespoons of chili powder (or more
you like). Add 2 tablespoons of ground black pepper. Add 1 tablespoon
of salt. Add 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper. Dice and add two of the
jalepeno peppers. Add 4-5 sprigs of fresh thyme.
4) Add 3 cans of beans (or the equivalent in dried beans that you have
soaked overnight in a pot in the fridge). If you use dried beans, one
bag is plenty. I've used a bag of "mixed beans" and I've also used the
dried kidney beans - watch out for stones, however, if you used dried
beans. The dried ones stay a little bit firmer over time, but if
you're going to simmer the chili for a while, everything pretty much
gets soft anyway. In the chili I made on Saturday, I used cans of
black beans, red kidney beans, and pink beans – so the beans were
5) It may just be a psychological trick, but I put spices in-between
each layer/can of beans that I add. It all gets mixed up eventually
anyway, but since you're going to let it simmer without stirring for
the first two hours, it seems to me that this helps make the spice
even. I would add about a tablespoon of cumin per can of beans - and
maybe a total of 1 extra tablespoon of chili powder. You can also add
hot/tabasco sauce - but I like to let people add their own once it's
served - I think that adding hot sauce when you cook takes away from
the other flavors/spices.
5) Dice and add two more jalepeno peppers. Add 2 more cloves of
pressed/diced garlic - unless you like chunks of garlic - which is
also good. Add 1 more tablespoon (at least) of salt - you'll probably
have to keep adding more as you go - but you can do this over time -
just add a little bit at a time. Add 2-3 more sprigs of fresh thyme.
Dice or slice (if you like to eat slices) remaining onion.
6) Slice red peppers and green peppers and add to pot.
7) Simmer over low heat (so that it's bubbling but not boiling over)
for 2 hours, stirring every half-hour or so.
7) Add 1 tablespoon of vinegar after two hours. Stir. Sprinkle in more
salt, pepper, and chili powder to taste. Stir. Slice and add zucchini.
8) Simmer for an additional hour. Add 1 cup of dried rice. Stir. If
need more liquid for the rice, add 2-3 tablespoons of vegetable broth
– but there should be enough liquid without it. The rice should take
about an hour to cook.
9) Taste and add 1-2 tablespoons of sugar to cut the spice and sweeten
the pot for all you lotto playas. Stir. Simmer for an additional hour
(or two if you have time). I would say that total simmering time
should be at least four hours if you are using a normal pot on the
stove - but more if you have time.
In terms of simmering time, this is where the crock pot is nice
you can add everything in before you go to work and then come home to
a pot of chili that's been simmering for at least 8 hours - so the
flavor is really in there. The crock pot makes things a little bit
mushier though - but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.
10) Add a bit more sugar if necessary and stir in to reduce spice.
11) Serve and top with cheddar cheese and/or sour cream.
You can also cook with browned ground beef or ground turkey - one-half
Pound is probably all you need. You should cook and spice the meat
before you add it to the chili - with salt, pepper, chili powder, and